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True, Kind, Necessary, Securing

True, Kind, Necessary, Securing

By Kim John Payne
An extract from Simplicity Parenting 2nd edition

Most every wisdom tradition cautions for the wise use of words, acknowledging their tremendous power to inspire and to wound. This might be most obvious on the world stage, where the words of someone like Martin Luther King Jr. can echo through history, capturing an era and galvanizing change.

But I see the power so much more commonly wielded in the family. Through the noise and bustle of daily life, a parent’s words can help shape the way a child sees the world and, most importantly, sees themselves.

In our era of spin and counter-spin, when words are parsed and split, where news stands beside opinion and embraces blogs, meaning is often drowned out. Just as it’s hard to cherish a toy lost in the middle of a mountain of play-things, when we say less, our words mean more.

One of the best filters I know for talking less has been attributed to (among others) the 19th-century guru Sai Baba, Socrates, the Bible, the Quakers, Rotarians, the poet Beth Day, the Sufis, and an early 20th-century Unitarian sermon.

Known by various names, including the Threefold Filter, it forms the basis of ‘Right Speech’, one of the pillars of the Buddhist Eightfold Noble Path. You could probably find an echo of it in every religion and culture, and like most basic truths, it’s easier to remember than it is to put into practice.

I find that this filter works wonders for parents, wherever and whenever they remember to use it, in helping them speak less, and more consciously.

Before you say something, ask yourself these three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And I would add, will it help the child feel secure?

True.

Gossip and hear-say will fail the first filter every time. This filter alone is worth its weight in gold.

By asking ourselves if something’s true before we say it, we also notice how often we pass off exaggeration, opinion and supposition as truth.

Imagine the ‘verbal load’ of your home all the words that swirl around, whether they come directly from family members or are brought in from outside.

Now imagine a basket at the front door for the rejects, the words that can’t come in; in it are all of the unsubstantiated, nasty, hurtful, mean things that people say about one another. With the filter in place, is there more air, more quiet in the home?

By filtering your own speech you lead by example, but you can use this as a guide for what you’ll listen to as well. ‘Hey mum, did you hear about the Andersons, and what their mum did?’ ‘No, but first, Kiki, is it true?’ ‘I think so – Amy told me, and I think her dad is maybe their accountant  or something like that, or at least he used to be, so he would probably know.’ ‘No, darling, that doesn’t sound like truth to me. I don’t want to hear it.’

Kind. Is it kind?

If what you’re about to say has passed the first filter – it is true – it must still pass a test of compassion: is it kind?

Some things that are true still don’t need to be said, if doing so would be hurtful. Bullying wouldn’t exist if children used this filter, but adults have to model and reinforce it first.

If a bully’s most common weapons are put-downs – taunts or criticisms – parents sometimes engage in the same behavior – through words and body language – under the guise of instructing or motivating a child.

Where I see parental over-involvement, I very often see put-downs. Sometimes in my work, whether in family therapy or in a school setting where there are bullying issues, I challenge parents to go on a three-week, self-imposed put-down diet.

By being more conscious of the put-downs they use with their children – the judgments, the names and the characterizations (‘You always…’ and ‘You are so…’) – they begin to see how ‘admonishing’ and ‘challenging’ can feel a lot like bullying.

‘Is it kind?’ is a critical filter, and home is a wonderful place to put it into practice. What better place to set a standard of kindness to others and to one another?

When we have to instruct our children, as parents, it helps to remember that even difficult truths can be said with kindness. Is it kind?

Necessary.

I think of this as the verbal ‘clutter’ filter. Is what I’m about to say necessary? Is this now my sixth pass at an explanation, and my children stopped listening during my third?

I don’t take ‘necessary’ to mean that everything we say has to be instructive, or have some larger educational or inspirational purpose. Instead, I take ‘necessary’ to mean ‘more important than silence’. What enables us to read a word is the white space all around it, and without some intervening quiet we couldn’t hear a thing.

Silence is important, especially in a noisy family in a noisy world. And noise is self-perpetuating; so if your children grow accustomed to a ‘noisy norm’ they’ll always try to create and maintain that level of clamor.

There – I’ve scared you. Let’s agree to the obvious: that silence is important, wherever and whenever we can find it. Given the importance of silence, the clutter filter, ‘Is what I’m going to say necessary?’ should clear the air in your home even further.

‘Is it necessary?’ will be most helpful in guiding your own speech. As your children begin to notice that you’re saying less, they’ll listen more. But it’s tough to use this one as a filter for what you’ll listen to from your children.

Necessary? ‘Dad, I was thinking about space travel and I realized that jet packs might work even better on your shoes than on your back.’ ‘Mum! Quick! There’s a ladybug in the bathroom and it’s the same one I saw when I was five! It’s in the exact same spot, only now I can’t remember its name!’

Necessary? Yes, actually, these probably are ‘necessary’. ‘Please, please dad, can I have it?’ ‘Mitch, I said “no”. You’ve already asked me twice; a third time’s unnecessary.’

Securing.

There is so much going on in the world that we could possibly speak about in front of our children, but will it result in them feeling secure?

Certainly, we can’t protect them from world tragedies, but we can filter what we share with them so that what we say will give them a feeling that they have a safe base here with us, their parents.

This four-part filter is beautiful in its simplicity. I sometimes jot down the words – ‘true/kind/necessary/secure’ – on my calendar or notebooks, just so I can carry them through the day.

Like everything worthwhile, it takes practice to consciously erect these filters somewhere between our minds and our mouths. Luckily, as parents, we have many opportunities a day, every day, to practice.

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